Everyone around is asking us to be positive, to think positive etc. Although I understand the point of it it is not at all easy to be so positive every moment. Should be... Six years ago I made a decision that changed my life. I left my country, my people to go away forever. Not as many of us do to go to work somewhere as I did have a relatively good job, a stable job. I know that was mistake and I should have stay to fight. You would ask - fight with what, with whom, for what or against what?
Everything started about a year ago as under intense pressure of my colleagues and friends I agreed to go to work at one of our embassies abroad. I should have thought it over a thousand times. I should have followed my instincts at that moment as they proved right and even more. There was a person I had to work directly. I had seen him several years ago but did not have direct contact and at that moment I said that I could never work together or have anything in common with this utterly unpleasant and evil person because I felt immediately that he was evil - and again it turned out 100% right!  But it was a chance for me to stay for a longer time in a country I loved - in France. So although there were many things I could not agree with I agreed... So in one way it was my own mistake that I felt miserable there. First there were so ill and evil relations between people so I tried to escape every moment it was possible. There was no support at all! There they tried to make camps on one side and on the other. As it seems unnatural for me I did not belong to any of these camps. So again I escaped as soon as possible. The person tried to get rid of me as soon as possible so it was impossible to stay under these conditions - it was a continuous psychological violence I had to endure. Luckily for me my folks had the chance to visit me some times and we spend a wonderful time. Museums, parks and the city replenished the lack I endured inside the walls of the embassy. And then I had telephone conversations with my husband and at that moment I felt so psychologically injured that I decided to escape somewhere. I could not tell anyone about it so I just tried to write some things down because there were moments I felt that I could lose my mind... And now I am here, six years but I do not feel relieved or psychologically cured if I can use such a term. It was mostly an escape for the situation of that moment. I have to admit that in a psychological war I came out as a loser because instead of trying to kill the enemy with all the possible means (my enemy - the that-time ambassador without conscience) I just left far away making my children and my mom as losers along with me!